Rules of Writing

The quality of scientific writing would be enhanced enormously if only scientists would learn to adhere more carefully to seven easy rules. These rules can be illustrated by applying them to a simple declarative sentence such as:    Modern Minnesota barns have roofs.

1. Every sentence should begin with a passive verb:
   There are modern Minnesota barns which have roofs.


2. The verb "to have" should always be replaced by the verb "to be characterized by":
   There are modern Minnesota barns which are characterized by roofs.


3. Every sentence should begin with a conjunction; "and", "but", and "yet" are quite acceptable, but "however" is preferred:
   However, there are modern Minnesota barns which are characterized by roofs.


4. Terms such as "occur in", "are located", and "presence of" should be used as often as possible:
   However, there are modern barns located in the state of Minnesota which are characterized by the presence of roofs.


5. The noun "time" should never be used without the prefix, "period of":
   However, there are barns located in the state of Minnesota in the modern period of time which are characterized by the presence of roofs.


6. Important points should always be emphasized:
   However, the attention of the reader is called to the fact that it is important to note that there are barns located in the state of Minnesota in the modern period of time which are characterized by the presence of roofs.


7. Every scientist should use such terms as "spatial", "factors", and "environment" as often as possible, to demonstrate that he really is a scientist, and he should also use such terms as "socioeconomic" and "perception" to show quite clearly that he is a behavioral and social scientist, but such old-fashioned terms as "parameter" should be avoided like the plague:
   However, the attention of the reader is called to the fact that it is important to note that there are barns spatially located in the socioeconomic environment of the state of Minnesota in the modern period of time which are perceived to be characterized by the spatial presence of roofs.

The improvement is obvious. A serious scientist, of course, would replace such ridiculously simple and patently unscientific terms as "barn" and "roof" by a vastly more impressive and scientific terminology.


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Kurt Vonnegut's Tips for Writing Fiction

1. Use the time of a total stranger in such a way that he or she will not feel the time was wasted.
2. Give the reader at least one character he or she can root for.
3. Every character should want something, even if it is only a glass of water.
4. Every sentence must do one of two things -- reveal character or advance the action.
5. Start as close to the end as possible.
6. Be a Sadist. No matter how sweet and innocent your leading characters, make awful things happen to them -- in order that the reader may see what they are made of.
7. Write to please just one person. If you open a window and make love to the world, so to speak, your story will get pneumonia.
8. Give your readers as much information as possible as soon as possible. To hell with suspense. Readers should have such complete understanding of what is going on, where and why, that they could finish the story themselves, should cockroaches eat the last few pages.

Vonnegut qualifies the list by adding that Flannery O'Connor broke all these rules except the first, and that great writers tend to do that.

From his book Bagombo Snuff Box: Uncollected Short Fiction